This is the place where it all happened. It felt so poignant just by being at this front gate of the house. Nakatsu is already in the compound of the house, entering the gate as if there’s no wall of evil standing in between him and the house. There’s only such wall for me… He turns around now looking at me as if wondering why I stopped outside of the gate. He’s clueless, I am aware of it. Who could’ve blamed him? I just can’t spill it all out to him. I don’t want him to feel sad for me. I hate empathy. The meaning of the word itself is ‘to feel as one feel as if walking in one’s shoes.” As if… it’s artificial. It’s not real. They don’t feel the same. They don’t go through the same. They don’t know how it feels.
“Yuki, are you alright?” Nakatsu asked me.
No. I’m not alright. “Oh… it’s nothing. I’m fine.” I lied easily with a smile on my face and I struggle to walk through that wall of evil without showing how much I struggled. And now I’m in the compound of the house. A wave of wind blew at us as I stepped at the front door. It felt… nostalgic… It felt like…mom.
Once inside the house, I showed around to Nakatsu though my heart bears a weight no one knows. But, Nakatsu seems to sense them. This is just the part that I hate most about Nakatsu. He always knows things about me. I wish he could just stop that. Stop guessing how I feel! Because… he is always right…
“Have you got all the things you want?” Nakatsu asked with a smile. “Perhaps it’s time for us to go.” He suggested knowingly.
Yes. I’ve got it all. It’s just some pictures that I left behind. At first, I really thought that I should just left it all there so that the people who move in here soon will throw it away. But, truth to be told, I’m just a coward. Those pictures are the only memories left for me of my family’s once existence. I’m scared of those memories… because those memories will break my heart and I cannot hide it the way I always do. But, conflicting to how I felt is how I should feel. It should be love… I should keep those ugly memories because as ugly as it is to me now, it was once beautiful. And I was a part of that beauty. So, I decided to be brave and embrace it all. I’ll keep it, I’ll look at it, I’ll accept it, even if I’ll break down.
“Yuki…” Nakatsu called me.
“Uh… Yes.” I answered.
“Are you okay? It’s like you’re drifted away for a while there.” He said.
“Oh. I’m okay.” I said and put on the usual sweet smile of mine and then I hurriedly pick up the paper bags that contain those pictures. I should get out of here. Before I could move, Nakatsu hugs me from behind. “What’s the matter Nakatsu?” I quickly asked. I am surprised by his sudden act.
“If this place brings such bad memories to you then let’s make your last one a good one.” He said.
As I turn to face him, a gentle kiss brushes my lips. Damn you, Nakatsu! I can no longer hold back my tears and I hug him tight. I can hear myself wailing. Yes, I am breaking down now in front of the one person I love. And I spill it all out to him in my breaking voice; “It’s no good, Nakatsu… I don’t want pity! I don’t want to be alone! Why!? I was a good boy. I didn’t do anything wrong. I love them! I need them around! I feel so… alone…” And I cry again. Nakatsu just hug me without saying a word. But, I can feel a few drops of his tears too on my shoulder. I feel better with his company. Maybe because I don’t really feel that he is being sympathetic the way the others do. He’s being him and that makes me somewhat happy. It’s not artificial. “I love you.” I whispered and we kiss… This is a kiss of hunger. I hunger for his love and him being by my side for ever… I will never let go. I will never go. I will ensure this beauty remains beautiful as it should be.
“I love you too.” He said as he broke the kiss. There… the words that I’ve been longing to hear. It came from the mouth of the person I held dear in my heart. If this is a dream, don’t wake me up…
***
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