That day, like the sound of that quiet closing door, everything in me shuts quietly as well. Akashi Makoto, I remember his name. I also remember his face, his gaze, his touch… his everything. Damn, I remember everything. Every single lies, every single pain, every single tear. Though they meant nothing to him, they are all I know of love. He is my first love. Yes, he was 18 back then and I was only 9. But, I love him despite of the age gap. He loves me too though I should’ve known better… it’s just a game to him. He likes the innocence in me and he’d like to be loved by me. He loved the fun, the chase… it’s never ‘me’ that he actually love.
Even when I think of it now, I still wet my cheeks from my tears that seem to endlessly flow for him. It had already been 4 years since it happened. I changed school afterwards far away from Osaka with dormitory so that I’ll be away, far, far away from him and everything I’ve known. My family doesn’t need me either. So, I never went home during holidays and they never came here to get me. I never called and they never care. Hell, they won’t even know if I die on some dark alleyways.
New semester begins, class will start tomorrow. I’ll be the usual quiet boy sitting near the window watching the blue sky outside, ignoring my teachers and everyone. I’ll be in my usual reverie of happiness that I hope will one day open my door…
***
“Class, we have a new student today whom had just transferred here from Nakara High. Please be nice to him, okay?” Kasai sensei said as she asked a boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes to come inside the room. He seems like a rather tall boy at the age of 17. All the girls in the class gawp at the sight of him and started murmuring. It’s like they are all stunned by his good look. But, wait. Those eyes, why is he staring at me like that? So suddenly out of nowhere, why the hell it’s me he’s looking at?! I turn my gaze away from him and continue to look outside the window but I can feel him smiling… as he bows and said to whole class with a deep calming voice, “Nice to meet you, I’m Yuki Hajime. I’m counting on you…”
I don’t normally pay any attention to any occurrences in the class. It’s just that they all started murmuring that I looked at him. But, I’m not interested in him or anything. Why am I even justifying myself here? Is it really true that I’m not interested??? Damn! I shouldn’t have had to even think about him. I better get back to my reverie… what is it that I’ll be dreaming this time? Yeah… I’ll dream of the beach, beautiful beach, lying there on the pure white soft sands… will there be someone lying beside me? Anyone?.........
***
Hah… (sigh) I must get back to the dorm now… why is it that I feel rather uneasy today? Yeah… it’s like I’m being watch or something. Ah forget it! Nobody cares about me…
“Oi, Hasui-kun…” Someone call my name. Yes, I know who it is. It’s no other than…
“Naba-senpai… what are you doing here?” I ask pretending to be polite and fake a smile. Hell, the only reason I’m being polite is because he’s in the student council’s board!
“Just passing by… and what destiny it had been to bump into you here…” He said and chuckles. I make an annoyed face. He comes closer to me. Oh yes, it’s the usual sexual harassments… damn, I hate him! I hate him for having that kind of intention to me. They are all just like Makoto! “I do thought it’d be a great pleasure if you can come down to my room today…” he said as he touches my hair. “So soft… so innocence…”
I fake a smile and push his hand away. Oh wait, that smile of mine, I think it’s rather cruel, not a warm one. Ah! He deserves it anyway. “I’m sorry, Naba-senpai. I think I have to decline. I got homework to do. Now if you excuse me…” I walk away from him. I can feel him watching me leave. There’s amusement in his eyes.
Yes, that’s what they all want… my innocence. He thought I’m innocence, is he? Let him think just that so that he can continue chasing something he’ll never get. And even if he did get it, he’ll be frustrated to know that there’s no innocence in me. Hahahahahahaha! I laugh an evil laughter in my heart. I’ve become bitter over the passing years. The world deserves to taste this bitterness of mine. They all deserve to feel lost…
***
Ha…. My room, my privacy, my moment to myself in reverie… wait, what’s that? Whose stuffs are these? I-I- I got a roommate?! Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!! There goes my moment to myself!
“Um… you’re Nakatsu Hasui, right?” someone calls me from behind, that voice was kind of familiar. Where did I hear it before? As I turn around, I’m stunned to see the new boy in my class is standing in front of me wearing only a towel!
I’m in shock and without even realizing it, I already jumped to my feet and scream a little and look at him with fear in my eyes.
“What? Did I scare you? I’m sorry…” He said… “I’m Yuki Hajime. I’ll be staying with you from now on. They said you haven’t had any roommate before so they put me in here. Anyway, nice to meet you and sorry to intrude…” as soon as he finishes talking, he went straight to the bathroom. All room had their own private bathroom here in this elite high school. It’s nice to not share bathroom with lots of people or have to wait in line for so long. Anyway, I don’t have any privacy anymore. It seems like I’ve lost everything which are precious to me. Each time, one by one is gone... They will all left me alone… and broken…
His voice… that Hajime guy… regardless of what I feel inside, regardless of this feeling like I’ve lost something, it somehow calms me… it’s like… how to say it? I don’t even know how to describe it. Well, whatever…
I lay on my bed. A few minutes later, Hajime came out of the bathroom. “You…” I called him. “Nice to meet you too…” He smiles at me and oh wow! He’s so handsome, isn’t he? Now, I realize it… no wonder why all the girls gape at the sight of him. I quickly turn my back on him and pretending to sleep, facing the wall to avoid eye-contact with him.
“Hey, Hasui, sleep already?” Hajime asked me. Why is it that his voice seems to be coming very near? Anyway, I better shut the fuck up and just pretend to sleep. I close my eyes and I don’t move a single bit to really ensure him that I’ve already asleep. It was then when I realized he’s suddenly on top of me! I looked at him in panic. “What the-?” I feel my blood rush to my brain. What is he trying to do?
“See? I know you are not asleep yet…” He said and put on a warm smile on his face and he gets up, no longer coming on top of me. I’m so shock that I couldn’t utter a word.
“What do you want?! And what was that for?!” I asked angrily at him when I finally find the strength to speak.
“Oh, I just want to ask you if it is okay for me to call you by your first name, Nakatsu? And the ‘that’ thing is just to shake a sense out of you…” He said so confidently that I feel like throwing a punch at him.
“Nobody calls me Nakatsu!” I yell and then hiss at him. I lay back on my bed, closing my eyes. Anger filled my heart. I can hear him smiling as he lay on his own bed. Damn it! I’m so angry at him. Why did he do that to me? I can’t take it. I cannot… I must not feel this way… No, not again… Please… I cannot, I must not, I must never again… fall in love…
***
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