Oh now, look at him… that pretty face of his, the way he just yelled at me, it’s just too cute….! Nobody calls him Nakatsu, is it? So, I’ll be his first! Hahahahahahaah! But, despite of him being cute and stubborn on the outside, something feels like it’s breaking inside… and the taste of innocence doesn’t flow in his blood. I can somehow feel it… I sleep easily that night. It’s the first time I get to sleep so easily. But, the nightmare… it’s the nightmare again.
It’s just the same thing every time when I sleep… I would have the same nightmare of my vivid past, of that sorrowful memory, and also the mixture of my fears and desires… I just hate it… It brings agony to my heart…
When I woke up, I heard the sound of someone bathing in the bathroom. I get up and watch how messy the bed in front of me; Nakatsu’s bed, is. He is such an untidy person. It shows just by looking at his drawer, his desk… there are also some shirts lying around on the floor. Hurm… he is interesting.
It gets even more interesting when he got out of the bathroom though. Heheh.. He is so skinny that I wonder if he eats well or not… could he be just like me? Have he found reason to not eat much and be lively? Just like me?
“Good morning…” I said and smile sheepishly at him. He hisses at me with an annoyed face and quickly got dress as I enter the bathroom. It feels so good when I had done bathing. This is the time that I enjoyed the most every day. Nakatsu is now ready for class. He is so pretty. His dark hair and sad green eyes would bedazzle anyone in just a sight of him. I bet he doesn’t even know how pretty he actually is. I noticed at class yesterday people are watching him as he passed them by. But it’s obvious that Nakatsu didn’t even realize it all. He seems to be drifting in his own world. Where does he go in that head of his?
“Hey, Nakatsu, let’s walk to class together...” I said.
I seem to startle him when I call him by his first name. “Don’t call me Nakatsu!” He yells angrily.
“I can still hear quite right, you know? You don’t have to yell…” I said to him with a hint of disappointment in me. “I hate to hear people yelling…” It’s true. ‘Yelling’ reminds me of my father. As I recall, he is always yelling… I hate it.
It was then that I realized that Nakatsu suddenly got sober. He looked down to the ground sadly. “I’m sorry…” he then said.
“I’ll forgive you if you become friends with me.” I said, smiling warmly at him.
Nakatsu didn’t say anything. He just went out of the room silently, ignoring me.
***
“Why are you sitting next to me?” Nakatsu asks me as I sit at my place.
“Well, this is my place…” I said innocently. “Don’t you know? Oh… you’re too busy looking out the window yesterday that you didn’t notice, I guess.”
Nakatsu turn his head away with the same annoyed face of him.
“Hey… Nakatsu, who are you spying on there? You had nothing else better to do than looking outside of the window? I swear you’ll get some joint muscle in your neck if you continue doing that.”
“Why the fuck should you care?! And don’t call me Nakatsu!” Nakatsu yell at me as he stood up from his chair. It was only a few moments later that he realized everyone is looking at him surprisingly. He got so embarrassed that his face went real red and he sits down on his chair. I just smile proudly.
“See? I made a good point when I told you not to yell.” I said sarcastically at him. He only looked away, sighing angrily as he does.
***
“Nakatsu Hasui, is it? Oh that Hasui. Yeah, he’s always alone. It’s not like he didn’t talk to us at all. He did when there are group works or something. But, it’s like his head is somewhere else all the time. And he always kept his distance. He’s obviously showing us that he didn’t want to get too close or something.” Boy 1 responds when I ask. I’m just being friendly with the boys in the class so that I can learn a thing or two about Nakatsu though I would probably knew him already from my guts.
“He regularly had confessions, you know? The weird thing is they are all from boys. Girls do confess to him too but only twice so far. Hahahaha! I count! But, he would simply ignore them and walk away.” Boy 2 said.
“Well, it’s not a wonder anyway. Just look at him. There are lots of feminine sides to him. He’s cute, he rarely speak which makes him even cuter since it can be categorized as being shy… Hahahahah! He got a small profile... Even I wouldn’t mind to take him in!” Boy 3 said and laughs again. I laugh along with them. “But, Hajime-kun, why are you asking about Hasui? Are you interested too? I can see that he reacts rather differently to you today.” They started teasing me.
I smile confidently. “As a matter of fact, I do…”
***
That night, Nakatsu puts his headphone on, listening to some heavy metal music I guess from the hiss of it. He totally ignored me. I think he did it just so that he won’t have to listen to what I’m going to say. I know that I’m being rather annoying. But, I can’t help it. With him, I would just want to say something. Because, he would respond to everything I said which made me realized somehow that he treated me differently from everyone else. And, it kind of made me happy…
It’s been a long time since I felt this way. Happy? How powerful this Nakatsu guy… He made me feel happy despite of how I should actually feel for having such traumatic experience. What is it that he had gone through that made him this way? I hope nothing as bad as mine. Deep down inside of me, I hope all the best for him and also everyone else in this world. I won’t want anyone to go through the same thing that I’ve gone through. Without even realizing it, tears started to swell up on my eyes. I quickly wipe them away and steal a glance at Nakatsu. This is bad! He notices it!
I quickly turn away and fold myself up in my blanket, pretending to sleep. This made me no difference from him last night. He pretended to sleep too and I teased him. How ironic…
“Umm… Hajime-san…” Nakatsu calls me out. I wanted to answer but I think if I answer his call, my voice would crumble. I’m not yet ready to utter a sound. “You okay?” He asked.
I guess I’m okay now to answer him. I can still keep this façade I’ve been holding up for so long. The façade of a happy-go-lucky person… “Wow… It surprises me that you care…” I said, insinuating him.
“Umm... It’s not that. I just thought that… um… I mean, you cry… it is because of me?”
Okay… this is way too awkward and funny… Hahahahahaha! “Hahahahahahah!” I actually laughed at him. He’s being funny… “Hahahhahaha! You really think that? Hahahahah! What kind of question is that?” I asked and I laughed again. Oh man, he really makes my day…
He hisses at me and lie back on his bed. I turn around to face him. Though he is now lying on his back to me. “Hey, Nakatsu, you’re so selfish, you know?” I said, analyzing him. He turns to face me now in shock to what I’ve said. “You only think of yourself, of what everyone thinks about you, and of what only you feel… Do you really think that the world revolves around you?” I know that I’m saying things that would hurt him but, he deserves to hear all this.
He is speechless now, no annoyed faces, no words, not even a blink of an eye. I analyze him again; “I don’t know what you’ve went through that made you so ignorant but you should know that there are people out there who might have experienced things worse than you. Have you ever thought of that? Besides, I won’t cry because of you… we’ve just known each other.” I’m saying harsh things, I know. But, some people just have to learn through the harsh way.
He frowns and turns his back on me again. “It’s okay. I don’t care about you. Just like everyone else. I don’t care about anyone.” He said it all so sadly. He is hurt, I know.
“No, Nakatsu. I think you care about me. Think again. You responded to everything I say. If I’m just like everyone else, you would simply just ignore me, the way you do with everyone else.” I said. I waited for his respond but, he remains still.
After a while, he said; “Maybe… Maybe I do care about you, Hajime-san…” I couldn’t say anything to respond to that remark. It’s just like magic! He just said that? Really? He said that? God, I’m happy… Oh no, now I’m feeling guilty. He asked me why I cried just now. It must be because he cared about me. Okay, I admit I’m being too harsh on him. Anyway, I did that just so that I could cover up my sadness and to still keep my façade.
“I’m sorry, Nakatsu…” I said.
“Why?” He asked, still not looking at me.
“I just thought that… those things that I’ve said… they might hurt you a bit. Did they?”
He sighs that came together with a smile and he looked at me. “They do…” He said.
Is it just me or he is way too cute when he does that?! I feel like running onto him now! But, yeah, I still maintain my calmness. “So, I’m sorry…” I said with a warm smile.
“And I’m sorry too… you made me realize something anyway.” He said. “Goodnight, Hajime-san.”
“Goodnight, Nakatsu.” I said. This is the day. I really am happy. No façade… “You can call me Yuki though. Can I call you Nakatsu?”
“You already did call me that.” Nakatsu said and laugh. He is honest when he laughs. I finally get to see him this way. It’s good. He should be happy. Everybody deserves to be happy… “Goodnight, Yuki.” He said. With that last goodnight wish, I feel a bond happen to exist between us. This bond could grow into something more than just this, right? It could make us both become very, very much happy. Happier than ever before… It could bring colors to both of our dark life…
***
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