PART 7: AKASHI MAKOTO ~in regret~

Another boring Sunday… why am I even working today? Oh yeah… I know. It’s because my life is so ‘nothing’ that working is like: my best option.

Looking back at my life, I’ve been nothing but a loser. I always thought I had it all but life just won’t work out that way. I married a decent woman who would’ve been a good wife and mother, I had a good carrier as a doctor (only that I’m always busy), and my life was basically complete. But that was a month ago.

Now, I am divorced after 2 years of (a not so happy) marriage. I’m still a good doctor but, it just felt so empty… and lately, I’ve been thinking of him a lot. I guess he’s just one of the reasons why my marriage is a mess. They say once you do bad things, it’s not easy to get away with it. I was gay. And I hardly satisfied being with my wife that I kept having gay affairs with some colleagues that when the upper people finds out, they are transferring me to kkk. But, the only person I really wanted is Hasui-kun. I wonder what that guy is doing right now. He must be all grown up by now and even more beautiful, I think. I miss him… and what’s hurting me more is that I still love him and I’ve hurt him…

***

God, it’s raining heavily. I sat in my car. Here I am outside of kkk hospital. I’m supposed to report duty today… Gosh…

Here I am now, all drench as I entered the hospital. Can’t blame the people around me that they got all their eyes on me now. They won’t even know that I’m a doctor looking like this. Such a mess but hell should I care…

After all set and done, it’s time to go. The rain had stopped now. Wait. This scent… it smells familiar… I turn around and saw someone I had not met for years… my heart had been nearly ripped apart… “Hasui-kun?” I called him.

He didn’t seem to notice me at all at first but stumble at my voice calling out to him. For a moment there, we just stood looking at each other in silence. It’s like the time had stopped moving in all those seconds. That pretty eyes of him, they’re even more beautiful now…

Time started moving again when he smiles at me, displaying the older youth of him. “Ah… Makoto-san. It’s been a while.” That’s all he said. He’s acting all professional as if seeing an old friend instead of an ex-lover.

“Hasui-kun… What are you doing here?” I asked.

He looks so calm. He just smile and said naturally, “I’m waiting for someone. He had a fever. He’s in for a check-up now. How are you doing Makoto-san?” He asked, being polite. I sense that he’s not really comfortable with me around. What is he afraid of?

“I’m just fine. I’m going to start working here. Are you living here now?” I asked, being curious about him and all. Gosh! That green eyes of his… so beautiful. I remember the first time I gaze at it a long time ago…

“No. I study here.” He answered calmly. His voice, all grown-up… just like music to my ears.

“So, I will be seeing you more often from now on, huh?” I said, trying to see how he’d react to this.

He only smiles calmly and say; “I guess so…”

“Nakatsu!” Someone called him from my back.

“Yuki…” Hasui answers him and took a glance at me while saying quickly, “I gotta go now. See you later.”

“See you…” I said. No. The way Hasui is looking at him, the boy who called him. What his name? Yuki? It’s just the way he used to look at me back then when we were lovers and that kid called him by his first name… This feelings… This pain in my heart… I’m so hurt… I can’t let it… He belongs to someone else now… I can’t take it.

***

PART 6: YUKI HAJIME ~in love~

This is the place where it all happened. It felt so poignant just by being at this front gate of the house. Nakatsu is already in the compound of the house, entering the gate as if there’s no wall of evil standing in between him and the house. There’s only such wall for me… He turns around now looking at me as if wondering why I stopped outside of the gate. He’s clueless, I am aware of it. Who could’ve blamed him? I just can’t spill it all out to him. I don’t want him to feel sad for me. I hate empathy. The meaning of the word itself is ‘to feel as one feel as if walking in one’s shoes.” As if… it’s artificial. It’s not real. They don’t feel the same. They don’t go through the same. They don’t know how it feels.

“Yuki, are you alright?” Nakatsu asked me.

No. I’m not alright. “Oh… it’s nothing. I’m fine.” I lied easily with a smile on my face and I struggle to walk through that wall of evil without showing how much I struggled. And now I’m in the compound of the house. A wave of wind blew at us as I stepped at the front door. It felt… nostalgic… It felt like…mom.

Once inside the house, I showed around to Nakatsu though my heart bears a weight no one knows. But, Nakatsu seems to sense them. This is just the part that I hate most about Nakatsu. He always knows things about me. I wish he could just stop that. Stop guessing how I feel! Because… he is always right…

“Have you got all the things you want?” Nakatsu asked with a smile. “Perhaps it’s time for us to go.” He suggested knowingly.

Yes. I’ve got it all. It’s just some pictures that I left behind. At first, I really thought that I should just left it all there so that the people who move in here soon will throw it away. But, truth to be told, I’m just a coward. Those pictures are the only memories left for me of my family’s once existence. I’m scared of those memories… because those memories will break my heart and I cannot hide it the way I always do. But, conflicting to how I felt is how I should feel. It should be love… I should keep those ugly memories because as ugly as it is to me now, it was once beautiful. And I was a part of that beauty. So, I decided to be brave and embrace it all. I’ll keep it, I’ll look at it, I’ll accept it, even if I’ll break down.

“Yuki…” Nakatsu called me.

“Uh… Yes.” I answered.

“Are you okay? It’s like you’re drifted away for a while there.” He said.

“Oh. I’m okay.” I said and put on the usual sweet smile of mine and then I hurriedly pick up the paper bags that contain those pictures. I should get out of here. Before I could move, Nakatsu hugs me from behind. “What’s the matter Nakatsu?” I quickly asked. I am surprised by his sudden act.

“If this place brings such bad memories to you then let’s make your last one a good one.” He said.

As I turn to face him, a gentle kiss brushes my lips. Damn you, Nakatsu! I can no longer hold back my tears and I hug him tight. I can hear myself wailing. Yes, I am breaking down now in front of the one person I love. And I spill it all out to him in my breaking voice; “It’s no good, Nakatsu… I don’t want pity! I don’t want to be alone! Why!? I was a good boy. I didn’t do anything wrong. I love them! I need them around! I feel so… alone…” And I cry again. Nakatsu just hug me without saying a word. But, I can feel a few drops of his tears too on my shoulder. I feel better with his company. Maybe because I don’t really feel that he is being sympathetic the way the others do. He’s being him and that makes me somewhat happy. It’s not artificial. “I love you.” I whispered and we kiss… This is a kiss of hunger. I hunger for his love and him being by my side for ever… I will never let go. I will never go. I will ensure this beauty remains beautiful as it should be.

“I love you too.” He said as he broke the kiss. There… the words that I’ve been longing to hear. It came from the mouth of the person I held dear in my heart. If this is a dream, don’t wake me up…

***

~WALKING DOWN MEMORY LANE two~

Mrs. Hajime is smiling as she saw her son came running towards her on the pavements.

“Mother!” He yells from far away.

Such a cute boy; she thought to herself as Yuki Hugs her close as he reached her. She knew that he had just got chosen to go to a very elite high school that he had always been dreaming to go to. She felt very happy for him. They are planning to celebrate it at home. Only that, it wasn’t going to end up the way that they had hoped it to be…

Mr. Hajime had just gotten fired by his company. He felt so depress and think that there’s just no way out for him and his family. He places poison on the food at their dinner table that night and hopes that they all will die there. He even confessed his doing to his family by the time both Yuki and Mrs. Hajime started to feel the effect of the poison in their lungs.

Luckily, a neighbor came at the right time and manages to get them to the hospital. The only survivor is Yuki who walks on as if nothing had happened. He even goes to the school he wanted to go so badly with a smile on his face. Nobody knows that deep down inside, a deep wound was set upon his heart and this is the one thing that he will try for the rest of his life to keep away from the knowing of others.

***

PART 5: NAKATSU HASUI ~in my heart~

All my stuffs had been packed. I hope I will not left anything behind. I turn around to look at Yuki. He seems to have finished packing as well. It’s been a long time since I left school. Usually, I’d be all-alone in the dorm during holidays but today, I’m going to Osaka with Yuki. It’s a real honor to be able to go home with him. I wonder if his parents going to be okay with this. Now, to think back, I hardly know anything about his background. And for some odd reasons, I am reluctant to ask. Why is it that I can sense those kind of questions could hurt him?

“Are you ready?” Yuki suddenly asks and I’m a bit shock for the sudden sound awakening me from my thoughts.

“Yep.” I said.

“Let’s go!” He simply said and smiles to me.

***

“I’m home!” Yuki said as he enters his house. It’s a very spacious apartment. Most of things in it have not yet been unpacked even some of the furniture.

“I’m coming in…” I said. Silence fills the hall.

“I’m sorry about the mess.” He said.

“It’s okay. Um, Yuki, where’s everyone? Are they not home?” I asked with a heavy weight in my heart. Why is it that I feel this way?

He smiles happily at me. God, it’s fake! I somehow know that that smile is fake. “Tomorrow we’ll be going to my old house. I need to take some stuffs.” He said without answering my question.

Yuki… you have been alone all this while, right? “Yuki, don’t change the subject and don’t give me that fake smile of yours!” I suddenly felt anger stab my heart and Yuki look at me in shock. “Are you hiding something from me? I want to know. I want to know all about you…” Something’s wet on my cheeks. Are they tears? I wipe them. Yes, it’s tears. When did they come down? They are tears for Yuki. Something is tearing his heart, I can sense it.

“I’m sorry, Nakatsu.” He said. And he looked away.

“You said to me before… that there are those out there who have gone through things far worse than what I’ve been through.” I said, remembering his words. “Are you one of them?”

Yuki is not answering me and I go up to him and pull his sleeves to make him face me. No! He’s… crying… “Yuki…” I called him out. He quickly held me in his arms.

“Nakatsu… I’m sorry that I always been keeping secrets from you.” He said. “I am alone. I’ve always been alone. Despite it all, I don’t feel so alone only when you’re around. I love you, Nakatsu.” I am so shocked to hear it but, I’m also happy at the same time. I only hug him tighter for some reasons only my heart knows.

***

PART 4: YUKI HAJIME ~in wrath~

That damn Naba! He’s lucky that he only fainted and got several bones broken. It’s not enough! He deserves more than just that. I should kill him! How dare he hit Nakatsu like that and harassed him and make him bleed. Arggghhhhh! I’m going to kill him! But, he’s been stripped off from all of his positions in school and he got expel. So, I guess he got the best of all punishment. I hope Nakatsu is okay and he’s not traumatic or anything. If that happens, I’ll plan a perfect murder plan for Naba!

“Urm…” Nakatsu moans a little and I quickly get to his side.

“Nakatsu!” I call.

He opens his eyes very slowly and then smile at me. “Yu-…” he about to call me but he stopped and touch his neck. It must be painful.

“Are you okay? No. Don’t move so much.” I advise him and let him lay still on the bed.

“I’m okay, Yuki. How about you?” Nakatsu asks. He seems concern about me. He is so cute!

“I’m good.” I said and smile.

“Can’t you believe it? He bit my neck till it bled. What does he think he is? A vampire or something?” Nakatsu starts a conversation after a while.

“Well, I guess if it’s someone I love, I won’t mind. Hahahahah!” I joke around.

“You won’t be saying that if it bleeds you dry…" Nakatsu joke too. I only chuckle and smile at him.

Nakatsu smiles too but then he seems to think of something and quickly asks me. “Where’s Naba-senpai? Is he dead?” He asked.

Good question. I get it now. “Owh… You want him dead? I’ll go to the hospital now and finishes the job.” I said and turn away. I’m gonna do this for Nakatsu.

“Wait!!!!” Nakatsu calls me. I look at him. “Don’t. Don’t kill him.” He said, looking worried and it rather disappoints me.

“Okay.” I sigh and get back to his side again.

Nakatsu sighs and then put his palm on my cheek. Wow… this feels like he is my lover or something. “Thank you so much, Yuki.” He said and I feel warmth in my heart. “You saved me and I’m really grateful for that.” He continues.

“It’s nothing. I’ll do anything for you.” I said and I meant it very much.

“Do you take any martial art, Yuki? You fight real well. Not that I know anything of martial art but for you to be able to beat Naba-senpai like that, you must be very skillful.”

“Owh. I learn Kung-fu when I was very young. I used to live in China. But then when I’m 12, my dad die and we move back to Japan and my mom remarried a Japanese man.”

“Wow… That is so cool! Are you half-Chinese then?” He asks.

“Yes. I am. My mom is Japanese though.” I explain.

“That is so cool…” Nakatsu said, looking amazedly at me. “So, what’s going to happen to Naba-senpai?” He asks.

“Well, that jerk got expelled and he’s been stripped off from all of his position in school. That includes the president of Judo club and also from the member of student’s council’s board.” I explain.

“Great. Suits him well.” Nakatsu said and laughs a little. I laugh with him too. I feel a little relief that he is okay and he’s not in a trauma or anything.

***

Ever since that incident, Nakatsu and I had been even closer than before. We walk to class and back to our room together. We also eat together every time. If he couldn’t make it, I will not eat. And it’s also the same with him. He seems to be getting along well with everyone else in our class too. He had become happier than before. That’s good for him. But, we’ve gotten to this and it is almost nearing the end of our semester now. I wonder if I should confess to him or not about my feelings for him. I definitely don’t want him to think that I would want us to be friends forever… I wanted to be his lover…

School break is coming soon. Perhaps I should tell him before he went back home. I’ll definitely not going back home. Nothing’s there. Nobody’s there… I started to frown now thinking of that horrible night when it all happen. I was lucky that the poison is not too strong on me. But mom wasn’t so lucky. It breaks my heart every time when I think about it. Mom… she was-…

“-Yuki!” Someone call me suddenly waking me up from my sorrowful memory. It’s Nakatsu, he seems to be smiling so brightly at me but then the smile fades when he looked at me. Oh it must be because of this… tears? Oh damn! He saw me cry again. I quickly wipe them away. How the hell I’m going to explain this to him?

“Are you okay, Yuki?” Nakatsu asks me.

I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should tell… the truth? “Nothing…” That’s all I manage to say.

“Oh… It’s okay if you didn’t want to tell me.” Nakatsu said looking kind of hurt.

“Let’s go back to the dorm!” I then suggest to him happily totally faking it. But suddenly after that, my face went back to its gloomy side. I think the time has come for Nakatsu to know the real me. “I’ll tell you everything there.”

***

“So, are you going back next week?” I asked. I feel pain in my heart just by asking him this because I don’t think that I could bear the separation.

“Nope.” He answered. I was rather surprised by his answer.

“Why?”

“I never go back even once since I got here. I don’t feel like going home and my parents never even bother to ask me to come back or anything. So, I don’t see why I should be going back after all.” He answers simply but I can sense sadness somewhere in that shallow heart of his.

“It must be very lonely then…” That’s all I manage to say.

“Not really.” Nakatsu said. “I hardly felt lonely anymore since you’re here.”

I’m shocked by his comment. Does he have that kind of feelings for me? I’m happy to know. “Nee, Nakatsu, come to my house then. I don’t think of going home either actually but I need to move into a new house next week so I need to arrange things that needed to be moved from my old house.” I explained.

“Sure. I’d love to.” Nakatsu said, smiling warmly at me.

“Good.” I said. Silence fills the room afterwards. But my heart is screaming with joy inside that it’s funny for me to be scare if he could hear it.

***

PART 3: NAKATSU HASUI ~in memory~

It must be true, right? There are those out there who might have experience lost even worse than me. I wonder if that had happened to Haji--… No. Yuki. He cried a little last night; I’m so sure about it. Something bad must’ve happened in his life. But, how can he be like that? How can he be so lively? He’s weird… oh man, there I go again. I think about him again… He’s always in my head. Why? Maybe because I care about him, I think. Or is it…love? No, no. I don’t think so. Argh! Man! Get over this thought! Okay, go to class now!

Yuki might still be in the shower right now… maybe I should’ve asked him to go to class together with me. Well, too late for that anyway. I stop walking and look up at the sky. The sky is so blue this morning. I sigh. It’s very beautiful. What is this feeling inside of me? I feel very light… I feel free… I feel happy?...

I close my eyes and let the sun warm my face. What a beautiful morning. Suddenly, a face appeared in my head, it’s the face of Makoto-san, my ex-lover. I smile remembering him. I remember his gentleness, I remember his smile, and I remember his words when he said he loved me. Why is it that I feel happy at the thought of him today? Why am I smiling? I used to frown every time I think about him and I cried a lot for him.

Those memories should be painful… but, today, it’s different… I open my eyes quickly just at the thought of something which I have just realized. I’ve let go… It’s over… I… don’t love him anymore. I smile again happily. Those painful memories are no longer painful to me. I laugh at myself a bit. It brings me happiness. I mean, he used to love me but his love just doesn’t last forever. But, those times when he used to love me, I cherish it. Thanks, Makoto-san. I’ll move on now…

And then I walk to class happily for the first time… I thought of Yuki along the way to class. He is the only one I can open-up to. It’s still a wonder but, I felt rather relief to have him near…

***

“Nakatsu, what are you reading?” Yuki asked me during the recess time and sit on my table.

“Owh… just something about rabbit.” I said. Rabbits are beautiful… or so I think.

“Wow.. You’re an animal lover eh, Nakatsu?” He asked. “I thought you were reading porn or something. Hahahahaah!” Yuki teased me again.

I look at him in annoyance. “You’re annoying, you know?”

“I know.” He simply answers and laughs.

God! This guy! I sigh and just continue reading my book.

“Nakatsu…” Yuki calls.

“Yep…” I answer.

“Thanks for accepting me as your friend.” He said.

I feel really happy deep in my heart. “Thanks to you too.” I said.

Then, the bell rings and he went back to sit on his place. I look at him warmly. He smiles at me and I smile back.

***

I thought of asking Yuki to walk back with me when class is over but he seems preoccupied with all the boys and girls that are talking to him right now. So, I just walk back on my own. Yuki is rather popular, I notice. People like being around him. He surely is friendly anyway. So, I’m not his only friend, right? Now, what is this? Am I being jealous? It’s okay, I guess. I know him better though. He is my roommate.

Ouch! I bump into someone suddenly and he held me in his arms to avoid me from falling down to the ground. It’s Naba-senpai!

“There… There… what are you thinking about that you totally didn’t hear me calling you?” Naba-senpai asks, still holding me in his arms.

I quickly push him away. I hate it! “I’m sorry.” I said and quickly try to walk pass him but he block my way.

“Where are you going, my love?” He said teasing me. But, he’s rather tense today. I can sense it.

“Get away from me!” I yell. I hate his harassment! I don’t want anyone to touch me. I don’t want him to touch me.

“Okay. You’re being rather rude today, you know? Why? Is it because you already had someone?” He asked. His eyes… they are evil as they look into mine.

“What do you mean by that? I just can’t stand it that you’re always making fun of me!” I said angrily, justifying myself.

“I never made fun of you, Hasui-kun. I just… wanted you. Just one time… come on. One time... Do it with me just once and I’ll never get in your way again…” He said. He seems serious.

I’ve already guess this. He’s up for it. I won’t allow it! “No. Never!”

“Why? Is it because of that new boy?!” He asked something that made me even angrier. “I can see that you are responding well to him today. I hate competition, you know?! I’ve noticed you first. You are mine!” he said angrily.

“What the fuck?! I belong to no one!” I push him and wanted to run away but, Naba-senpai pull me to his arms and I can’t struggle to break free from him. I know that he is from Judo-club so he must be really strong. And I’m so skinny and weak. I can’t fight him. I might just become this beast’s meal for today. “Stop it, Naba-senpai! Let me go!” I yell.

He kisses my neck forcibly. I hate the touch of his lips on my skin! I hate it! “I like it when they struggle like this, you know? It made me become more aroused.” He whispers evilly to my ears.

“Help!!!” I scream and he slaps me down to the ground to shut me up. My lips bleed. It hurts. No. I can’t escape from him and no one is around to hear me. He then kicks my stomach and blood spurts out of my mouth. “Argh!” I scream. Fuck him! It hurts like hell! I swear he’s going to pay for this. But, what can I do? I don’t know what to do. I can’t fight him. I’m a weakling. He then picks me up and took me somewhere hidden. I’m too weak to even struggle now.

“I swear you’re going to scream real good out of this.” He said and then laughs evilly.

“Don’t. Please, Naba-senpai. You don’t want to do this.” I said weakly.

“Aw… You’re begging me now… how sweet. Perhaps you should beg me not to be too hard on you.” He said and laughs evilly again. “I’ve been waiting for this moment the whole time since I first noticed you.” He then bites my neck real hard.

“ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!” I scream. The pain is too much. I think my neck is bleeding now.

“Shut up!” Naba-senpai said and slaps me hard again. He wipes the blood from his lips. It’s assured me that my neck is really bleeding.

“You sick!” I said and I sound a little off. It must be due to the pain.

He just laughs evilly at me. He rises up his hand to slap me again. “I said; Shut Up.” I closed my eyes because I knew that the slap is coming but, it didn’t come. When I open my eyes, Yuki is there. He is holding that strong hand of Naba-senpai to stop him from hurting me.

“Yuki…” I call him out. I felt really happy he is here. But, he looks otherwise. He looks very angry.

“I hate it when someone hurt another.” Yuki said calmly but sounding very serious indeed. “Especially when it’s the one I love.” He ends his last word with dragging Naba-senpai away from me and shoves him down to the ground. He did that with only his left hand.

Did he just say he love me? I might not hear quite right. Oh no… they are fighting now. Will Yuki be okay? Naba-senpai is the president of the Judo club. He is very fearsome. But, dear God… Yuki is such a strong guy… with such fighting skill… he blocks Naba’s fist with only one hand and throw a kick to him that sends him far away to the ground. That sure is painful for Naba. Well, he deserves it anyway. But, I know how strong Naba is. He just hit me back then. That was not even full strength but Yuki can block his attack easily and oh yeah… definitely he knew martial art as well, I think. But, his movement is so different from Naba. I’ve never seen it before. It’s not Judo, I guess. Wow! There he goes! Naba had fainted now. But, Yuki doesn’t seem satisfied. He still kicks his motionless body non-stop. Oh no. Is Naba fainted or is he dead?

“Stop it, Yuki!!!” I scream. It uses a lot of my strength though and now, I started to feel dizzy. I saw Yuki came running to me before my world goes black.

***

PART 2: YUKI HAJIME ~in agony~

Oh now, look at him… that pretty face of his, the way he just yelled at me, it’s just too cute….! Nobody calls him Nakatsu, is it? So, I’ll be his first! Hahahahahahaah! But, despite of him being cute and stubborn on the outside, something feels like it’s breaking inside… and the taste of innocence doesn’t flow in his blood. I can somehow feel it… I sleep easily that night. It’s the first time I get to sleep so easily. But, the nightmare… it’s the nightmare again.

It’s just the same thing every time when I sleep… I would have the same nightmare of my vivid past, of that sorrowful memory, and also the mixture of my fears and desires… I just hate it… It brings agony to my heart…

When I woke up, I heard the sound of someone bathing in the bathroom. I get up and watch how messy the bed in front of me; Nakatsu’s bed, is. He is such an untidy person. It shows just by looking at his drawer, his desk… there are also some shirts lying around on the floor. Hurm… he is interesting.

It gets even more interesting when he got out of the bathroom though. Heheh.. He is so skinny that I wonder if he eats well or not… could he be just like me? Have he found reason to not eat much and be lively? Just like me?

“Good morning…” I said and smile sheepishly at him. He hisses at me with an annoyed face and quickly got dress as I enter the bathroom. It feels so good when I had done bathing. This is the time that I enjoyed the most every day. Nakatsu is now ready for class. He is so pretty. His dark hair and sad green eyes would bedazzle anyone in just a sight of him. I bet he doesn’t even know how pretty he actually is. I noticed at class yesterday people are watching him as he passed them by. But it’s obvious that Nakatsu didn’t even realize it all. He seems to be drifting in his own world. Where does he go in that head of his?

“Hey, Nakatsu, let’s walk to class together...” I said.

I seem to startle him when I call him by his first name. “Don’t call me Nakatsu!” He yells angrily.

“I can still hear quite right, you know? You don’t have to yell…” I said to him with a hint of disappointment in me. “I hate to hear people yelling…” It’s true. ‘Yelling’ reminds me of my father. As I recall, he is always yelling… I hate it.

It was then that I realized that Nakatsu suddenly got sober. He looked down to the ground sadly. “I’m sorry…” he then said.

“I’ll forgive you if you become friends with me.” I said, smiling warmly at him.

Nakatsu didn’t say anything. He just went out of the room silently, ignoring me.

***

“Why are you sitting next to me?” Nakatsu asks me as I sit at my place.

“Well, this is my place…” I said innocently. “Don’t you know? Oh… you’re too busy looking out the window yesterday that you didn’t notice, I guess.”

Nakatsu turn his head away with the same annoyed face of him.

“Hey… Nakatsu, who are you spying on there? You had nothing else better to do than looking outside of the window? I swear you’ll get some joint muscle in your neck if you continue doing that.”

“Why the fuck should you care?! And don’t call me Nakatsu!” Nakatsu yell at me as he stood up from his chair. It was only a few moments later that he realized everyone is looking at him surprisingly. He got so embarrassed that his face went real red and he sits down on his chair. I just smile proudly.

“See? I made a good point when I told you not to yell.” I said sarcastically at him. He only looked away, sighing angrily as he does.

***

“Nakatsu Hasui, is it? Oh that Hasui. Yeah, he’s always alone. It’s not like he didn’t talk to us at all. He did when there are group works or something. But, it’s like his head is somewhere else all the time. And he always kept his distance. He’s obviously showing us that he didn’t want to get too close or something.” Boy 1 responds when I ask. I’m just being friendly with the boys in the class so that I can learn a thing or two about Nakatsu though I would probably knew him already from my guts.

“He regularly had confessions, you know? The weird thing is they are all from boys. Girls do confess to him too but only twice so far. Hahahaha! I count! But, he would simply ignore them and walk away.” Boy 2 said.

“Well, it’s not a wonder anyway. Just look at him. There are lots of feminine sides to him. He’s cute, he rarely speak which makes him even cuter since it can be categorized as being shy… Hahahahah! He got a small profile... Even I wouldn’t mind to take him in!” Boy 3 said and laughs again. I laugh along with them. “But, Hajime-kun, why are you asking about Hasui? Are you interested too? I can see that he reacts rather differently to you today.” They started teasing me.

I smile confidently. “As a matter of fact, I do…”

***

That night, Nakatsu puts his headphone on, listening to some heavy metal music I guess from the hiss of it. He totally ignored me. I think he did it just so that he won’t have to listen to what I’m going to say. I know that I’m being rather annoying. But, I can’t help it. With him, I would just want to say something. Because, he would respond to everything I said which made me realized somehow that he treated me differently from everyone else. And, it kind of made me happy…

It’s been a long time since I felt this way. Happy? How powerful this Nakatsu guy… He made me feel happy despite of how I should actually feel for having such traumatic experience. What is it that he had gone through that made him this way? I hope nothing as bad as mine. Deep down inside of me, I hope all the best for him and also everyone else in this world. I won’t want anyone to go through the same thing that I’ve gone through. Without even realizing it, tears started to swell up on my eyes. I quickly wipe them away and steal a glance at Nakatsu. This is bad! He notices it!

I quickly turn away and fold myself up in my blanket, pretending to sleep. This made me no difference from him last night. He pretended to sleep too and I teased him. How ironic…

“Umm… Hajime-san…” Nakatsu calls me out. I wanted to answer but I think if I answer his call, my voice would crumble. I’m not yet ready to utter a sound. “You okay?” He asked.

I guess I’m okay now to answer him. I can still keep this façade I’ve been holding up for so long. The façade of a happy-go-lucky person… “Wow… It surprises me that you care…” I said, insinuating him.

“Umm... It’s not that. I just thought that… um… I mean, you cry… it is because of me?”

Okay… this is way too awkward and funny… Hahahahahaha! “Hahahahahahah!” I actually laughed at him. He’s being funny… “Hahahhahaha! You really think that? Hahahahah! What kind of question is that?” I asked and I laughed again. Oh man, he really makes my day…

He hisses at me and lie back on his bed. I turn around to face him. Though he is now lying on his back to me. “Hey, Nakatsu, you’re so selfish, you know?” I said, analyzing him. He turns to face me now in shock to what I’ve said. “You only think of yourself, of what everyone thinks about you, and of what only you feel… Do you really think that the world revolves around you?” I know that I’m saying things that would hurt him but, he deserves to hear all this.

He is speechless now, no annoyed faces, no words, not even a blink of an eye. I analyze him again; “I don’t know what you’ve went through that made you so ignorant but you should know that there are people out there who might have experienced things worse than you. Have you ever thought of that? Besides, I won’t cry because of you… we’ve just known each other.” I’m saying harsh things, I know. But, some people just have to learn through the harsh way.

He frowns and turns his back on me again. “It’s okay. I don’t care about you. Just like everyone else. I don’t care about anyone.” He said it all so sadly. He is hurt, I know.

“No, Nakatsu. I think you care about me. Think again. You responded to everything I say. If I’m just like everyone else, you would simply just ignore me, the way you do with everyone else.” I said. I waited for his respond but, he remains still.

After a while, he said; “Maybe… Maybe I do care about you, Hajime-san…” I couldn’t say anything to respond to that remark. It’s just like magic! He just said that? Really? He said that? God, I’m happy… Oh no, now I’m feeling guilty. He asked me why I cried just now. It must be because he cared about me. Okay, I admit I’m being too harsh on him. Anyway, I did that just so that I could cover up my sadness and to still keep my façade.

“I’m sorry, Nakatsu…” I said.

“Why?” He asked, still not looking at me.

“I just thought that… those things that I’ve said… they might hurt you a bit. Did they?”

He sighs that came together with a smile and he looked at me. “They do…” He said.

Is it just me or he is way too cute when he does that?! I feel like running onto him now! But, yeah, I still maintain my calmness. “So, I’m sorry…” I said with a warm smile.

“And I’m sorry too… you made me realize something anyway.” He said. “Goodnight, Hajime-san.”

“Goodnight, Nakatsu.” I said. This is the day. I really am happy. No façade… “You can call me Yuki though. Can I call you Nakatsu?”

“You already did call me that.” Nakatsu said and laugh. He is honest when he laughs. I finally get to see him this way. It’s good. He should be happy. Everybody deserves to be happy… “Goodnight, Yuki.” He said. With that last goodnight wish, I feel a bond happen to exist between us. This bond could grow into something more than just this, right? It could make us both become very, very much happy. Happier than ever before… It could bring colors to both of our dark life…

***